I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
