I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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