I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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