i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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