youre lurking in front of me
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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