It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
