Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
