my room smells like sperm. sweet.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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