I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
A+ Viking dick
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
