I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
