I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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