I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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