Ambien. No doubt about it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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