eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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