I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
