My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
