I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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