sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
