All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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