How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
