No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
