I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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