she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
