Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
