I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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