Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The feeling are messing with the penis
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
