I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
