FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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