I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
