you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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