I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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