She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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