I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That accounts for only three of the penises
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
