my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
