I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
