nut hugger
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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