My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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