He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
