Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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