how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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