i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
