The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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