and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
