made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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