I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
