One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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