I'm lost and stupid without you.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
