Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
