I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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