I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
