I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
